the dad i will never know

I wish you could know me

people always found the fact that i had no dad, lived at home with a single mum and had no siblings one of the most fascinating things about me. As a child, i never quite understand why because that was just all I knew.

When people talk about absent fathers, there is usually some story attached to it. A reason why the dad left. A marriage that unraveled. A horrible loss to cancer or a car crash. Usually, even if they don’t know their father well, they at least know who he was as a person.

I never had that. My dad was never in my life. My mum doesn’t know his name and he has no idea he has a daughter.

I was the result of a University party and what i assume was a considerable of alcohol. My mum found she was pregnant too late to have an abortion so she considered giving me up for adoption but couldn’t go through with it so now I’m here.

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Growing up, talking about my dad was never taboo. I love my mum and while we had our moments, i genuinely think she did an incredible job raising me. She was understanding, and supportive at letting me just be me (Even though i made some questionable outfit decisions during my teenage years) If i asked questions about my dad, she would answer them honestly but the truth is, i rarely asked. it would either feel too awkward to bring up or i just simply didn’t care enough to wonder when i was young.

I never felt like i was missing anything. The relationship between my mum and I was everything i ever wanted. We looked so alike that sometimes it felt like i had just been photocopied from her. Like where is my dads DNA? i dont know. There was no mystery in my face and no obvious feature or habit of mine that made me wonder where it came from.

I joked about not having a dad all the time to my friends. Whenever people would ask if it affected me, i would honestly tell them no because i never had the actual person to miss.

Last year, my mum moved in with her boyfriend. They have been together for ten years and I always somewhat knew they would move in together after all of his kids left home. I never called him my step dad and i never saw him as a father figure up until this point. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love him or that he didn’t teach me a lot. It’s just that for my entire life, it had always been only me and my mum living together in our small house. Nothing filled that father shaped hole until they started living together.

Now, after moving home from university and spending nearly a year since they moved in going and staying with them for a few weeks, something in my brain has shifted. Maybe it’s because I’m older. Maybe it’s because I’m slowly approaching the age my mum was when she had me. Or maybe it’s because, for the first time, I’ve experienced what life looks like with two parents under the same roof. it’s made me think of my dad in a way I never had before.

The last time I was in my hometown, my mums boyfriend and I were talking about about how particular my mum is about some things and I was saying how different we are in that regard because I’m much more laid back about general life choices and that I probably got that trait from my uncle. He laughed and said “You know, you might have got it from your dad right?” And it stopped me for a second. Oh yeah. He exists. There is an actual person out there who I’m related to.

As most of you would know, recently Noah Kahan released an album and a new song Willing and Ablewith the lyrics “i wish you could know me. I wish you could know you much more sometimes.” the text on a tiktok video I saw was simply the lyrics in the background with “this song exists it’s about your dad”

I have never thought about a TikTok so much and I still can’t fully explain the feeling. For the first time in my life, I felt something that looked a lot like grief. Grief for a father I never had. Grief of the fact that I will never know him. Having a father figure in my life has made me long to know who my father would have been if he was in my life. For twenty one years I have gone through life without giving him much thought. Now suddenly I find myself awake wondering who he is.

Is he even alive?

Do I have half siblings?

Does he like movies like me? Is he creative?

Would he love me?

The weirdest part is knowing he has no idea he has a daughter. I exist completely outside his understanding of the world.

It’s so complicated because i don’t feel robbed of a father figure. i don’t need those answers to feel complete but the curiosity for something that I’ll never have has been hard to understand lately.

i want to know what parts of me belong to him

i wonder if he knew i existed if he would want me too.

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thank you so much for reading!! i would love to hear your experiences with your absent or not absent fathers 💌

all my love, Poppy xx

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